( A flash of white, hot jealousy rips through him like a solar flare, scorching everything else within him and making the back of his neck burn bright red and warm. He's long made peace - to the best of his ability, at least - with the fact that his grandfather's ligthsaber now belongs to her, but the fact that it carries with it knowledge and foresight of a seemingly inevitable outcome involving himself when he is not even seen as the more worthy of the two of them to posses it is an enraging concept. Weakness. Futility. Unworthy. His hands curl into one another on the dejarik board, though he's fortunate in that black leather swaddles the tightening of his knuckles from pale skin to nearly translucent as Kylo struggles not to anger impulsively.
He tells himself that it involves her, too, more so than it does him, given what she's seen and the perspective in which she's seen it. It does little to assuage the inferiority that he feels, but it does enough to keep his voice from winding tightly around itself, allowing him to speak somewhat freely. As freely as he can when trying to determine the future of things and their involvement in them. )
You have a great deal of conviction about that for someone who's done what she's done in order to get the both of us here. ( But it sounds real. It sounds more real. Sitting here on his father's ship with the girl who split his face into unequal parts, who outshined him and resisted him and dragged herself through hell to quiet all the noise in his head, even if it ends up being only for a short time, whose thoughts and feelings have the ability to rattle around in his own skull without provocation, seems like it should be the fiction. His place at the head of the other Knights as Rey has seen it seems more realistic than his distinct lack of effort to turn her, to bring her back before Snoke and present her. Maybe he's playing a long con and doesn't even know it yet, although the likelihood of that being true seems about as possible as he and Chewbacca absconding to distant stars together. ) It almost seems to make more sense to kill me on Corellia to make sure this vision you've had doesn't come true than it does to take the risk and fly all the way to Mandalore. So - ( Kylo pauses, and asks the question before he actually even realizes that it's a thought that has occurred to him. ) - why?
( Why try at all, if this is the outcome? Why try at all, even if it isn't? Another time, another place, he would have taken a knee in front of Snoke and asked for guidance, for further training and tutelage. But there is no Snoke in his head to lead Kylo down a path that makes sense of it all. There is no one, just silence. )
reads about mandalore forever do do dooooo
He tells himself that it involves her, too, more so than it does him, given what she's seen and the perspective in which she's seen it. It does little to assuage the inferiority that he feels, but it does enough to keep his voice from winding tightly around itself, allowing him to speak somewhat freely. As freely as he can when trying to determine the future of things and their involvement in them. )
You have a great deal of conviction about that for someone who's done what she's done in order to get the both of us here. ( But it sounds real. It sounds more real. Sitting here on his father's ship with the girl who split his face into unequal parts, who outshined him and resisted him and dragged herself through hell to quiet all the noise in his head, even if it ends up being only for a short time, whose thoughts and feelings have the ability to rattle around in his own skull without provocation, seems like it should be the fiction. His place at the head of the other Knights as Rey has seen it seems more realistic than his distinct lack of effort to turn her, to bring her back before Snoke and present her. Maybe he's playing a long con and doesn't even know it yet, although the likelihood of that being true seems about as possible as he and Chewbacca absconding to distant stars together. ) It almost seems to make more sense to kill me on Corellia to make sure this vision you've had doesn't come true than it does to take the risk and fly all the way to Mandalore. So - ( Kylo pauses, and asks the question before he actually even realizes that it's a thought that has occurred to him. ) - why?
( Why try at all, if this is the outcome? Why try at all, even if it isn't? Another time, another place, he would have taken a knee in front of Snoke and asked for guidance, for further training and tutelage. But there is no Snoke in his head to lead Kylo down a path that makes sense of it all. There is no one, just silence. )